the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
