Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
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Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
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Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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