glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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