who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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