plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
