Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
