Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
