I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
