i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
