You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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