Moan for me like Helen Keller
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize
