I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
