she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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