I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
