He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
