is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
