I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
