You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
