It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
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At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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