Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
