All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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