as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
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it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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