I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
