Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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