it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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