a queef is a wish your heart makes.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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