At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
