My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
