my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
