I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
