I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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