I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
