how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
