I'm so fucking centered right now
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
