i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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