Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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