Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
