What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
