Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
