If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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