Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
