my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
