Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
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That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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