You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
