I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
