Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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