butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
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Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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