My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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