ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
