I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I pour the whiskey from now on
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
