I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
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