she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
