I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
