he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
