Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
