I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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