So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Houston, we have a blender
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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