I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
