So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
