I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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