FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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