Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
