i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
